The Blissfully Bold Podcast

Ep. 21 - Balancing a Legal Career, Creating Safe Online Spaces, and Setting Boundaries in the Cosplay and Gaming Communities with Twilight Phoenix

• Gavie Remaly • Episode 21

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In this episode of the Blissfully Bold podcast, I talk with award-winning cosplayer and Twitch streamer Twilight Phoenix about setting and maintaining boundaries in online spaces and conventions. We explore how the art of cosplay intersects with being a full-time lawyer, and how Phoenix manages her diverse responsibilities. We further dig into the challenges of dealing with inappropriate DMs, the importance of setting clear community guidelines, and the balancing act between professional and personal life. With reflections on handling unsolicited attention and advocating for self-care, this discussion highlights the importance of boundaries in fostering a respectful and supportive community.

This episode wraps up Domestic Violence Awareness Month, highlighting the need for women to prioritize their safety and well-being.

00:00 Introduction to the Podcast and Host
02:35 Meet Our Guest: Twilight Phoenix
05:43 Balancing Careers: Lawyer and Creator
08:34 Setting Boundaries in Online and Offline Spaces
10:19 Navigating Conventions and Fan Interactions
28:11 Challenges and Rewards of Building a Community
33:58 Advice for New Cosplayers
39:39 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Twilight Phoenix is an award-winning cosplayer and Twitch streamer from South Florida. With over a decade of cosplay experience under her belt, she is skilled in foam armor and prop making, sewing, wig styling, and special effects makeup. She strongly believes that cosplay, gaming, and fandom are for everyone, and loves spending time chatting with fellow nerds!

Connect with Twilight Phoenix:

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 I've been posting content online for several years now, um, just in like the cosplay and sort of gaming world, um, but I'm, I'm fairly newer to the whole streaming and discord space and all of that. And so it was something that I never really had to address, um, that much before, but Going into this space I was already familiar with for example the kinds of messages that I would get via dm on instagram or um, or other platforms such as like twitter and all that stuff, so People sometimes ask me.

Um  You know, why do you have this rule that says like Please don't flirt with me like have people done that to you and it's it's funny because I actually haven't had that be an issue In stream so far, but it has been an issue in things like private messages and dms And so I was like, you know what?

Going into this whole sort of venture right from the start, I just want to make it really clear what my boundaries are and I want to make it really clear like what will and will not be tolerated. 

Hi, my name is Gabby Ramelli and I'm your boundary advocate to lead you to a more peaceful life. Four years ago, I was stuck in a deep depression, a fog covered lake in the dead of night with no idea of where to turn to get back to me or my own needs.

After seeking professional guidance to lead me out of the darkness, advocating for myself, my boundaries, and my overall wellbeing has become a daily practice of self care. Here on the Blissfully Bold podcast, we'll chat about balancing life's chaos within ourselves. And in everyday spaces, pumping the brakes on people, pleasing, and understanding our personal needs to create the peace and happiness.

We so crave and deserve. Join me every Wednesday for a new episode and dare to be blissfully bold. Welcome to the blissfully bold podcast.  Hey friend, you're back. I appreciate you coming back every week. If you are loving the show, please go and show support by rating, leaving a review, and sharing with a friend.

And now there is a new way that you can support the show. You can buy buy me a coffee. It's similar to Patreon in that it helps fund creator efforts to continue bringing value to you. You know, that means releasing this show every week. So it would mean so much to me if you could go and visit my page. 

And buy me a coffee visit, buy me a coffee.com/blissfully bold podcast.  This week on the podcast, we have award-winning co player and Twitch Dreamer Twilight Phoenix. And I am so excited to bring her perspective to you on working full-time as a lawyer, and also balancing being a creator in the gaming and convention space. 

With a large part of her demographic being male, we also get into boundaries she's had to set in person and online with her fans and her community. And we close out Domestic Violence Awareness Month with a conversation over some of the challenges that women can have with men and the feeling of safety.

So without further ado, Let's dig in.  All right. Hey, Phoenix, welcome to the show. Thank you for joining me today. Uh, so I like to kick off every episode of the Blissfully Bold podcast with learning more about your superpower and what makes you kick ass. So tell me, what makes you kick ass at cosplay and gaming? 

Ooh, that is such a good question. Um, I think what would make me maybe kick ass at cosplay and gaming is that I just do it for fun.  And I don't get discouraged if I'm not always good at it. So, especially more on the gaming side, I don't really consider myself to be like an incredible gamer by any means.

Um, but I play games because I'm passionate about them and I find them to be a lot of fun. And I will not give up, uh, no matter how many times I fail at something.  

Yeah. Do you think that you having the passion like that, like you do it more for fun than to like, take it more, I guess, like, I think that when people like come to this space of being a creator, it's like that they have to take it seriously, and I'm saying this in air quotes for the audience, that it's like you have to take it seriously, and so it like becomes more like  It has to happen where you have to be like more in control of like the outcome of your audience and things like that Do you think that you just coming from it from a place of like I genuinely love and want to have fun That it makes it a little easier for you to to do this work.

Yeah, absolutely I think it puts a little bit less pressure on it. And I think it also um just gives me sort of more motivation to keep going. Like, for example, with cosplay, um, you know, if I'm really struggling with a piece of a costume and it's not coming out the way that I want it to, I always have that motivation to just try it a completely different way.

Okay, that way didn't work out. Let me try something else. Um, and just keep going and going and going until it actually comes out the way that I want.  

Right. And so would you say that You like you still have fun in it that way where it's more of like an experimentation rather than it has to happen this way 

Yes, exactly.

It's a it's a lot more fun if you let yourself be a little bit more flexible with it, I think  

So in addition to Cosplay and gaming and streaming on twitch. You are also a full time lawyer Right?  Yeah. So how do you balance the two? Especially when you are attending con events? Because you actually just came off of like, I want to say like a mini tour, right?

Because you, because you went to like a couple events and then you had a work event, right? So how do you balance that where it's working full time as a lawyer because that's like like I think that people have the idea It's like oh, you're a lawyer. Like you have like a real profession, right?  And balancing that and also doing the costumes because I know that takes time and then streaming and gaming and all of the things.

So how do you, how do you balance that? 

Um, so I'm not going to lie. It's hard. And some days are a lot harder than others. Um, it definitely, you know, sometimes feels like I'm working two jobs, even though my hobbies are not a job and I don't have to do my hobbies, but I want to do my hobbies because I enjoy them.

Um, but just in terms of pure time commitment, it, it genuinely feels like working multiple jobs at sometimes. 

Um. 

I think for me what has been really important is to basically just kind of take the concept of like time blocking Um, I don't know if you're familiar but it's sort of it's actually a technique recommended for like people with adhd which is where During your you know your work day.

For example, it's where you would block off You know, an hour on your calendar that you're going to be answering emails. And then from this time to this time, I'm going to be working on this report. And then from this time to this time is lunch and so on and so forth. I kind of took that concept and applied it to my entire life. 

So, um, it's funny because it makes me sound a lot more organized than I am I'm, not naturally an organized person, but in order to be able to do all the things I want to do I kind of have to just plan out my week like down to the hour of this is the time i'm at work Then these two hours I can work on my new costume.

Then these two hours I'm going to be streaming. And so on and so forth. And of course I have to fit time in there to hang out with my family and my friends and do household chores. And it's literally just all on a calendar. And that's, that's the only way I can keep up with it. 

So do you ever feel like you're, Tied to that calendar as opposed to like being able to go with the flow  

I try not to be I try to be able to move things around And I try to allow myself, you know, actually, I don't I wouldn't even say I try to allow myself.

I feel that if I had, you know, quote unquote, scheduled myself to, you know, work on a cosplay one night after work, and I'm just not, I'm just tired, I will 100 percent just lay in bed and watch Netflix instead. Um, so it's not like a super rigid structure, but it does allow me to fit in all the things I want to do if I want to. 

Right. And so do you think that that helps you keep like, a boundary I guess of  of knowing that I don't want to do it from a place if I have to to do this costume versus like I actually want to do it because I like it Like is that a boundary that you've set in place for yourself where it's like i'm gonna prioritize You know my well being Over feeling like I have to show up for my audience 

Yeah, absolutely.

I don't see it as something that I have to do Um, but I do think it kind of helps keep me I guess accountable um to the things that I do want to do to my own dreams and my own goals because I've had periods of time um Where it did just feel like too much to try to be doing all these things and I would go Months without working on a cosplay and I was barely posting anything on social media And on the surface that sounds maybe even like a good thing But deep down I was I think really unhappy that I wasn't working on those things um, and And so this is kind of a way that I've found to balance of yes if I need to take a night off I absolutely will but at the same time it's kind of there It's on a schedule and it kind of keeps me, you know in the back of my mind Hey, I should work on this project because i'm gonna be happy if I work on it.

I enjoy doing this thing And so 

like in the vein of that like, oh this makes me happy. Like I said, you just came off of  Trip for almost a month here, right? Where you went to a couple of events and then you went to a work  a work thing and How was it with balancing all of that and being with the fans and you know doing your thing between?

work and Actually being at the events and doing what you love  

Um, it was absolutely exhausting to be quite honest with you. It was an amazing experience So just to kind of explain for you know, obviously not everyone knows what i've had going on But so I had two conventions in a row Um, one of them was TwitchCon, which is a really, really large convention out in San Diego.

And then one of them was a smaller, but still, um, very active convention in, uh, South Dakota. And then right when I got back from those two back to back conventions, I had an out of state trip, um, with work. So it was, it was very difficult. I think that, um, what sort of helped was.  Just kind of I do kind of get energy from those kind of events.

It's funny I don't think of myself as an extrovert. I absolutely like need time to myself Yeah to like breathe and calm down But something about being at a convention does kind of like electrify me and make me feel very alive So I I think I was kind of just running on adrenaline Like from Twitch con straight into the other con.

And then, you know, obviously I had to go to, go to the work event right after that. And I just kept telling myself as soon as I get home from this, I can sleep, I can sleep for like four days.  And that's exactly what I did. Um, but yeah, I think just kind of remembering. why I'm doing those things. You know, yes, okay, I just finished a convention and I have another convention next weekend.

And yes, right now, that sounds exhausting. But I know that I'm going to be so happy that I went because I always just feel amazing after I go to one of those events. 

And so when you're at these events, like you have fans, you have people in Like, it's kind of this parasocial relationship, right, where, like, they know who you are, but you don't necessarily know who they are.

Right.  Sometimes people just, like, want to come and, like, dump all of their energy on you. Like, you had mentioned, it's very kind of energetic when you're there. How do you keep,  like, some boundaries in place to protect, like, your own energy and not feeling, like, you're depleted of your own energy when you're here, or even if maybe they cross Any other kind of boundaries like whether it be at like I know that some of your costumes are a little risque Right just because I feel like video games that yes, they do have  Kind of risque costumes and a lot of the characters.

And so how do you keep boundaries both to protect your energy? And to actually keep like people in check. 

Mm hmm Um, so yeah, I think yeah, there's kind of two different kinds of boundaries there, right? So yeah The first uh, as far as the first boundary i'd say as far as just like kind of protecting your energy I really try especially when I am at these like weekend long convention events.

I just try not to kind of over commit myself Um, so like a lot of these events will have not only the actual convention all day, but they will have After parties and events going into the night and you know, a lot of times people will say, oh, are you doing this after the convention? Are you doing this on the last day or whatever?

And I typically just, um, if I, if I have like a booth at the event and I'm, I'm there as a guest, I typically will decline Um, anything else because I just know myself at this point. I know my own social battery and I know that at the end of the day of the regular convention, I'm going to be exhausted and I'm not going to want to go party until 2am.

Um, 

and so, you know, I just kind of keep that, keep myself in check, you know, don't commit myself to things that I know I'm going to just be too exhausted to do. Um, and then also just taking breaks throughout the day, um, and kind of setting boundaries in that way of, you know, Yes, I am there as a guest and people do want to come and speak to me and I cannot express how much that like flatters me and makes me feel Wonderful that like people want to come talk to me like what the heck that's crazy but at the same time I do have to keep in mind like I can't go 10 hours without food.

I can't go 10 hours without taking, you know, a 10 minute break to myself, to just like rest and get my thoughts together and use the restroom and get some water. Um, and so I've had situations that it's very hard for me. I, I'm a, I'm a lady who was raised in the South. Politeness is like, 

Yeah, 

at the front of my mind at all times.

I don't want to be rude. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or offend someone, but I have to at some point, you know, if there's someone who's, who's speaking to me and maybe they've been, I've spoken to them a lot. They've been there for a long time. And at some point I have to say like, hey, I actually really need to go take a break.

Like I need to go and get some food and and take a little bit of a rest and it is hard for me to do that. 

Yeah. 

But I think it's important to set those boundaries for yourself and just to be okay. I appreciate you so much I actually really do need to go take like a 10 minute break though. I'll be back soon 

No, you mentioned something like being from the south like i'm from texas So I totally get it And I think that is like it's not just in the south because the more that i've talked to people from the midwest It's like very apparent There too where it's like this politeness and you have to be kind of a people pleaser Did you say that you still kind of have people pleasing tendencies or that you would call yourself a people pleaser?

What what is your kind of head space around that? 

I absolutely think I have people pleasing tendencies, but it's something that I am Working on i'm trying to really Learn and practice that you can be not a people pleaser Um while still not being rude. It's not rude to set boundaries It's not rude to put yourself first and take care of your own needs Um, as long as you're not expressing yourself in a mean or rude way There is nothing wrong with with taking care of yourself and it's something that I struggle with but I think it's really really important  

Yeah, for sure.

Exactly. And I, I noticed while I was doing some digging on your background  and I was like preparing, you know, for our chat here that you did put some rules or boundaries in place in your online space, um, on both Twitch and discord. And these were specifically about  creating the community that you want to kind of cultivate where it's like, please be respectful in your tone, in the topics that you're discussing and This was something that I was like, oh, okay, especially for it being domestic violence awareness month now um where you did like address sexual content or just the Sexism that might be present.

Um in In the gaming industry or just in your kind of online space community where you're at right now Can you talk more about like your demographic and the experiences that you've had that had you put those boundaries in place? 

Online yeah, absolutely. So, um, it's interesting because i've been posting content online for several years now Um just in like the cosplay and sort of gaming world Um, but i'm i'm fairly newer to the whole streaming and discord space and all of that And so it was something that I never really had to address  That much before, but going into this space, I was already familiar with, for example, the kinds of messages that I would get via DM on Instagram or, um, or other platforms, such as like Twitter and all that stuff.

So people sometimes ask me, um,  You know, why do you have this rule that says like Please don't flirt with me like have people done that to you and it's it's funny because I actually haven't had that be an issue in stream so far But it has been an issue in things like private messages and dms and so I was like, you know, what?

Going into this whole sort of venture right from the start, I just want to make it really clear what my boundaries are and I want to make it really clear like what will and will not be tolerated. Um, and so I made a rule right off the bat that said, Hey, I'm married. Please don't flirt with me. Please don't call me pet names.

Um, you know, a compliment is fine. People come in and say, how are you doing today? Beautiful like that's absolutely fine. Um, but any kind of, you know, getting into sexual territory, getting into just like, Very explicit flirting, anything like that. Um, I am not okay with that. And I thought it was really important to make that clear right off the bat. 

And then I think as far as, um, as yeah, like creating my community. So my demographic is largely male. Um, I do think that a lot of that is because most of my cosplays do come from video games and plenty of women play video games, plenty of women love video games. I am one of them, but I do think gaming is very much still seen as like a male dominated space. 

And in my particular case a lot of the people who play the kinds of games I like do happen to be male and so I have a mostly male audience Um, and that is fine. I love my audience. They're wonderful people, but I did notice a lot of the kinds of um, Like memes that would be posted had Sort of undertones of being a little bit misogynistic And I don't it's not like they were posting something saying, you know You Women are so annoying or it didn't explicitly say you women always nag their husbands But if it's a meme where the woman is nagging her husband and that's like the joke Then obviously  The whole point of the joke is, ha ha, women are nags, right?

Right. And it's hard, because  if the joke, if it doesn't explicitly say that, it's hard to set that boundary of like, hey, this is, this is sexist, you can't post this here. 

Because they're just gonna 

say, this isn't sexist, it's a joke. And I'm sure they, they genuinely didn't mean it to be sexist. 

Right. But, 

it's kind of recognizing,  The kinds of attitudes that lead to those kinds of jokes 

And 

I think I just realized that like this is my space like it's my discord.

It's my stream And I don't have to allow things there that make me uncomfortable You can post those things other places But I don't want to log into my own discord and see a meme about women being super emotional or you know Women being annoying like I don't need to see that in my own woman led space So I set those boundaries and to the credit of my community, they have been amazing since then.

They've been super respectful. Um, and it really has not been a problem.  

That's amazing. So how would you say that the online space differs from an in person event space where I feel like people are a little braver online because people can't really see them or they don't really know who they are. Like have you had to put any kind of like no flirting and like respect like that?

I. That i'm a woman and that I don't necessarily need your advances or things like that like in person. Have you had any kind of Experiences with that versus like the experiences that you've had online like in dms and stuff. 

So in person, um It's interesting because I know you were asking about like boundaries at conventions and stuff and this sort of ties back into that But you know my number one thing I kind of do to keep myself Safe at these conventions is i'm never there alone.

Well almost never Um, my husband typically comes with me. So I have my little table and And I have my seat and I'm front and center, but my husband also has a chair and he's just sitting like a little bit, you know, off to the side and he's genuinely there to help me, right? If I need to get up to go to the bathroom, he can watch the stuff or, um, a lot of times people want a picture.

So he'll hold the phone and take the picture for them, but. Him being there definitely has, um, an effect. Yeah, definitely helps with I think people are not really willing to come up to me and say Inappropriate things when my husband is sitting literally right next to me. Um, it has happened. I have still had people come up and be a little bit flirty or a little bit forward.

I've even, then when I say, Hey, by the way, this is my husband. Um, I've even had people say things to him like, uh, like, okay, call me if it doesn't work out, 

which is like, 

Oh my God, how like ballsy. Yeah, I was just like, wow, which honestly, like, luckily my husband and I have an amazing relationship. He trusts me a thousand percent.

I trust him a thousand percent. So he's not upset about things like that. He honestly, like, we honestly both think it's like kind of funny. Um, so, you know, he's not the kind of guy that's going to get mad if a guy says something like that, but, um, so yeah, some people are a little bit bold, but for the most part, I think that just having my support person there.

Um, has really kind of prevented any issues like that. And then also, like you said, people are just so much more bold online. People will say things in a DM that they would never dare to say in real life. Yeah. So I think that, yeah, at conventions, you know, the most I'll get is some general flattery or flirting, but like nothing, nothing egregious.

I've been very fortunate.  

So did you ever attend any of the events? your husband, like, before, like, did you, like, learn from an experience? Like, Oh, I should have, like, I want someone at the table, at the event table with me, because.  You know, sometimes I feel uncomfortable or have you ever had an experience like that?

So it's not that he I brought him for that reason I really started bringing him just because I genuinely need the help. Um, like for example, actually this most recent con in south, dakota Um, I actually invited my mom to come with me because we usually do like a little girl's trip every year. So she came with me to that one and she was like my table person.

Which interestingly enough, I think still kind of had the same effect. Like I think just having another person there with me Um, really kind of deters anyone from like being inappropriate but  I, I would say there have been times when, you know, my person is not there. Maybe they went to go take a break and, and eat or whatever.

Um, there, I have noticed that when I am alone at the table,  uh, not only do more men approach, but they are more likely to, not necessarily be inappropriate, but to sort of, um, I guess just hang around a little bit more like sort of like linger and like, you know We have our conversation and it's kind of like, you know, maybe it's time to move on but they don't necessarily really want to leave, um, until that other person comes back and then all of a sudden they will go.

So I think it's a little bit, sometimes I have felt like, you know, this person might really be enjoying speaking to a woman alone a little bit, which makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable. Um, but again, it's just without the, uh, anonymous factor of online, I really have not anyone be had anyone be like, Super inappropriate or anything like that,  

right?

So in those moments where You know you have been alone with someone who is Over staying their welcome. Mm hmm. Um, like what kind of  like actions do you take because I feel like it's not just you who like as a woman who has been in this position where men just kind of have this overbearing presence and it's like I'm going to make you, it's not, I don't even know.

Like, are they trying to make you feel uncomfortable? Sometimes it feels like they are like just to kind of assert dominance or something, but like, what kind of actions do you take to kind of get yourself out of that position? Just because I know that a lot of times women do feel uncomfortable. Like I have a friend who goes running and she doesn't want to run in the evening because you know, it doesn't feel safe, which, is unfortunate in our society, but what kind of deterrence or actions do you take to push the male presence away if you don't want it?

Yeah, I think it is so unfortunate that, you know, same thing, I will not go running in my neighborhood at night alone, and I, in my neighborhood is very safe, but it's just, you know, you hear about things happening and you have that fear, and I don't think as a woman you can ever really live with that.

Without that fear and I think that that's why You know Some guys probably don't realize that they're making you uncomfortable when they when you're kind of in like a literal corner in this booth And they're standing there, you know again, probably not intentionally but basically blocking your exit And you know talking to you for a long long time and every time you try to wrap up the conversation They kind of continue it on it does make you feel uncomfortable Um, even if it's it might not be meant in a malicious way at all um  What I think I've kind of done in those situations is Try to like lean on people around me So the good news about those conventions is you're never there literally by yourself, right?

There's another booth right next to you usually And usually what's really good is all of us who are kind of in the same area We usually have said hello to each other. We kind of know who's around us So i'll usually try to pull someone else into the conversation, you know, and just be like, oh, you know, you're asking about Superwoman.

Oh, you know what? This other cosplayer who I know, um, has cosplayed Superwoman. When did you cosplay Superwoman? Tell me about it, you know, and kind of like try to like pull them into the conversation and just kind of like a safety in numbers thing and make it less of like a one on one with this person.

Um, that has definitely helped me. And then also just kind of going back to, to setting boundaries in general. Like if I do feel like, you know, I'm in that situation. I will just say, Hey, I really need to go get food. I haven't eaten, you know, in several hours. So unfortunately this is time that I have to take my break.

It was so nice meeting you. Um, hopefully I'll see you again another time and then just excuse myself. And I would never like walk off somewhere completely on my own at that point, but I'll just go walk out into the convention floor where there's tons of other people around and, um, and that usually helps. 

Like you said, safety in numbers, 

right? Yeah, exactly.  Nice. So, like, how, what have been the rewards and the challenges of building your community, both, like, in person and online?  

I'll start with the challenge, so then I can talk about the rewards. I mean, I think the challenge is everything that we've been talking about.

I think the challenge is that when you're building an online community, Um, first of all, it's just a very diverse group of people and not everyone is always going to have the same values Not everyone is always going to get along not everyone is going to see that particular joke as being sexist or you know problematic when Maybe it makes someone else feel uncomfortable.

Um, even if it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable Maybe it makes someone else in my community feel uncomfortable So I think the hardest part has is just trying to  cultivate a community where everyone feels safe and everyone feels You Welcome. And just trying to, um, to build a space where people feel like they can be themselves, but at the same time, you're not going to do something here that's going to make someone else feel uncomfortable.

Um, And I guess that kind of leads me to the rewards because I think the most rewarding thing for me Is that I feel I have really made great strides towards doing that And I have people come and tell me in my streams all the time. I love being here. I love hanging out here I love the vibes um, you know, I love this community and that just made I feel like a proud mama like i'm just like  Like i've made a space that people like like to hang out in like that makes me feel just just so happy And then um You know, I think with cosplay as well, the most rewarding thing for me is, is  to kind of encourage others.

To give it a try, um, I have a lot of people ask me at conventions, you know, I want to cosplay, but I don't know how to get started and things like that and ask for my advice and my opinions. And I really always want to encourage people to try out their, their goals, whether it be cosplay, gaming, streaming, um, something completely different, like whatever it is, I want you to try it and just see how it goes and see how you like it.

And I think probably the biggest compliment I've ever, ever received as a content creator is I'm going to brag here, but I've had,  I've had people come up to me at conventions and say, it's so great to meet you. I actually started cosplaying because of you. And I've had people say, yeah, I've had people say like, I watched your videos and that encouraged me to try making my own costume.

And like, I cried the first time someone said that to me.  Because to me, there is just no bigger compliment on, on earth. Like that, that is my goal is to educate and to help people do things that bring them joy. And so that has been the biggest reward by far.  

Yeah, absolutely. I love that so much that. You know the work that you do is actually influencing other people To find joy in their own lives, right?

Absolutely. I think everyone deserves to find that joy Even if you know, you have no idea what cosplay is and you think it sounds ridiculous There's probably something else in your life that maybe you want to try or you think you would enjoy but you're not sure about it And I just hope that you start and I hope that you try it  

Right, so you just said something and I'm like, you know, we've been talking about cosplay this whole time And I don't know like just to state for my audience because they're not all gamers  Like I know some of them know what cosplay is But can you kind of extend into what cosplay is and why you know?

we're having this conversation about like boundaries and especially like If you know women might feel unsafe if a male is around and like staring or overstaying their welcome 

Sure, absolutely. So, um, I mean in the simplest terms cause cosplay is dressing up like a character Um, so it's taking a character from you know, anything a video game a movie a comic book um anime is very popular for cosplay and creating a costume and um And dressing up as them.

I think a lot of people always kind of thought of cosplay as um You know, you have to make your own cosplays and I do make a lot of my own cosplays. There's definitely a big like crafting element to the cosplay community. But these days there's also a lot of cosplay stores online where if you really love a character you can literally go online and like buy an exact replica of their outfit and then just wear it to a convention.

Um, you know one thing about cosplay though, the reason it's called a cosplay and not a costume is the the play aspect and what that's really supposed to be about is that it's It's not just putting on a costume of the character, it's really kind of relating to that character and basically Becoming that character and by that I don't mean you have to walk around and talk in your character's voice all day and like  Pretend to be them, but it's just for me at least it's very much about A character that you really kind of relate to and want to like bring them to life in real life Um, okay So that's what cosplay is and then I guess you know, I do mostly cosplay from video games I love I love video games And a lot of video games kind of like you were saying at the beginning tend to have female characters that might wear You know costumes or armor that might be a little bit revealing sometimes um  Yeah, exactly laura croft who is a total badass  icon and an inspiration.

Um, but yes, her cosplay is also kind of sexy, right? So I think a lot of, you know, women who do cosplay can end up in situations where men, you know, might act a little bit creepy towards them or give them attention that is not necessarily the most positive. Um, and so that is why it's really important as a cosplayer to have those kinds of boundaries. 

Awesome. And so what kind of advice would you give someone who is new in cosplay of like boundaries to set up online from the get go, as well as in event, event spaces, but primarily online because I feel like that's where people are going to build their audience first, right, is online. So if you could go back like until you're Your older like your younger self when you were first starting out.

It's like let's do this first to set up these boundaries  

Absolutely. Um, okay. First of all, you do not have to answer every dm Um,  you don't have to answer any dms if you don't want I think that especially as women and going back to the whole like being polite thing I see so many fellow women and I used to do it myself Be so afraid to not answer someone or not talk to someone who's making them uncomfortable because they don't want to be rude.

You know, someone sends you a DM, Hey, how's your day? You answer how your day is going and, and then they eventually escalate it. You know, maybe it starts with, Oh, by the way, you're really beautiful. And you respond and you say, Oh, thank you. You know, I appreciate that. And then they, they take it a little bit further in terms of what they say about you.

And a lot of women. Including myself in the past will still continue to respond to that and even if they're very uncomfortable and just kind of go, Oh, thank, thank you. That's nice of you to say, you know, and you don't have to do that. Like if someone is making you uncomfortable, you can, you have options.

A, you can just literally not talk to them, which is what I do most of the time. Um, you can ask them to stop. Sometimes I do that as well. If I genuinely feel like they have good intentions, but maybe things just kind of, you know, You know, they said something that made me feel a little weird. I will say, hey, like, appreciate it, but like, that actually makes me kind of uncomfortable.

If we can just keep it to talking about cosplay and like, not say anything like that, I would appreciate it. Um, and then if they cross that boundary, then I block them. Um, but yeah,  basically, yeah. Do not make yourself uncomfortable for a random stranger online, please, you know, you don't have to answer every dm If a comment makes you uncomfortable, you can delete it and block the person Um, you can even set up on on like I know on instagram and I think pretty much every platform now you can set up like Blocked words, like I'm pretty sure I have the word sexy blocked.

So like people can't just comment on my post being like sexy, sexy, sexy.  Because I got tired of those comments. So just like don't be afraid to set those boundaries for yourself. It is not rude. You do not know this person. You do not owe them anything and they don't know you. So like it's not gonna ruin their day if they can't tell you that you're sexy. 

It's just really, it's really okay.  

Yeah. No, I like that you brought up the thing about like,  Feeling awkward in dms because i've definitely had people that it does come off as like A good intention because they're like, oh, hi How's your day and at this point? I don't even answer the dms that start with that because most of the time they do escalate into like weird creepy vibes I'm, like i'm not here for it.

I don't want to have this conversation and so i'd rather just not put myself in that position um, but yeah, I I love that you brought that up because I think that I know I did in the beginning where it's you do feel like You Oh, I'm trying to build my audience. I should be responding to people and engaging.

And it's like, no, I'm not going to subject myself to feeling uncomfortable to build an audience. Like in that way of like feeling uncomfortable in that they're just kind of overstepping their bounds.  

Absolutely. I think that is so important. And I, and I'm with you now. I genuinely, like, I generally don't  answer just random, Hey, what's up DMs anymore.

Um, And I and i'm very clear about that, you know, I used to feel the need to answer every dm But now I I make it clear. I've posted it on twitter. I've posted on my instagram stories I stay in my streams all the time, you know Hey, by the way guys I don't really get to most of my dms this day these days like if you want to chat like come join my discord Or come hang out in my stream.

I would love to chat with you guys um, but I probably won't answer your individual dms and if people have a problem with that then You You know, that's okay. They don't have to follow me. But um, I think that I create plenty of spaces where I interact with my audience and I don't need to also be Interacting with every single private dm as well,  

right?

No, 

that's amazing. So on that note, uh, tell us about these spaces that we can find you in and interact with you and um, Do you have any other cons that are coming up or how can people? Work with you or just you know You you streaming. 

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for asking. Um, so yeah, so i'm on twitch obviously That's where I stream most of my gaming.

I do stream some cosplay there as well So if you're ever interested in how cosplays get made I will sometimes stream like making my cosplays Um in front of the camera and my username on there is just twilight phoenix cosplay so you can find me on there Um, and then pretty much everywhere else like instagram tik tok all that.

Um, i'm the twilight phoenix Um and You know on there. I tend to post a lot of um, just photos videos things like that of my cosplays And as far as conventions, unfortunately, I don't have one planned at the moment There's a couple that i'm like eyeing But I don't know exactly where i'm going to be next but I would say feel free to follow me on social media and I always post when i'm going to be going to a convention and Um how you can meet me because I would absolutely love to meet as many of you guys as possible  

Amazing.

I love that. Thank you so much, Phoenix, for coming on the show. I appreciate it. Of course. Thank you so 

much for having me. This was so fun.  

This conversation with Phoenix was so out of my norm in so many ways. And particularly in the industry.  audience that we each serve. I was actually introduced to Phoenix by my husband who is also a gamer and a Twitch streamer, so it was actually really refreshing to have, you know, that outside of the box perspective, but I did see like in our conversation that at the core that she shows that even if our industries look different.

Our stories can be similar in the way that we find balance between obligation and joy Or balancing a corporate job and our passion projects are the things that we are trying to get off the ground And also the biggest one I think are the feelings that women can have being around men, I mean There's a reason that most women chose the bear as the safer option.

And if you don't know what I'm talking about, then you should, like, just go and Google, like, men or the bear. Men or the bear.  Why do women choose the bear?  And you'll see that most women feel safer around a bear.  Which sounds pretty good. It's fucking crazy, but, you know, in this conversation with Phoenix, I think that you can see as to why women may feel that way, which I think just contributes to to the domestic violence awareness conversation and, you know, wrapping up this month with this conversation I think is also helpful because we shouldn't ignore the gut instincts that we feel if we're feeling uncomfortable and Phoenix and I talked about that too, about especially  men or people showing up in your DMs and just  being creepy and making you feel uncomfortable, right?

So anyway, I just. I really love this conversation and thank you so much for listening and being here with me And make sure that you go in Raid and review on apple iTunes or wherever it is that you're listening to your podcast It would be such a solid if you could do that for me And also you'd let other people know why you love the show and why they should listen to so Go and share the love. 

All right, toodles See you next week  Okay, so I know that I've told you about buying me a coffee, but did you know that the premium podcast Bold and unfiltered is live. So if you haven't already, please go check it out. Um, I'm actually doing a Freebie offer and you'll get two weeks of free access to bold and unfiltered the premium podcast if you go to my instagram profile at Gavi dot remaylee  and you DM me a  unfiltered. 

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