Ep. 20 - How to Walk Away from Toxic Relationships, Embrace Courage, Overcome Resentment, and Set Boundaries

In this transformative episode, our host dives deep into walking away from toxic relationships, setting healthy boundaries, and managing resentment. The discussion spans romantic, familial, and long-term friendships, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and emotional well-being. Join in for practical tips on handling shame and loneliness when reducing time with loved ones. Explore the 'Crossroads Conversations' program, complete with a free consultation, designed to help identify and establish boundaries. Utilize tools like the Daily Planner Sheet for the Over Thinking High Achiever. Gain personal anecdotes and professional advice on conserving energy for empaths and caregivers, and strategies for dealing with overwhelming work relationships. This episode is essential for anyone seeking self-improvement and effective boundary setting.

00:00 Introduction and Excitement
04:30 Understanding Domestic Violence Beyond Romance
05:39 The Courage to Walk Away from Toxic Relationships
06:59 Setting Boundaries and Overcoming Fear
07:20 Dealing with Shame and Inadequacy
08:08 Feeling Alone and Seeking Support
16:47 Crossroads Conversations and Journaling
19:41 The Importance of Self-Care for Empaths and Givers
22:01 The Challenge of Setting Boundaries
22:20 A Personal Story on Boundaries
25:06 Identifying Your Needs and Values
26:24 The Importance of Journaling
28:12 Evaluating Boundaries in Relationships
32:29 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

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Transcript

When you start to  put up boundaries around your old life and what you used to accept and what you won't accept anymore, you start to feel like you're alone  and you don't have anyone to talk to. Like, maybe you used to be really close with a sister or a cousin or like that kindergarten friend, right?

And they used to be the person that you told everything to. Everything. Everything. Like you could just like let your soul spill out  into, into them and they understood you or they got you and that was, you know, great 5, 10, 15 years ago.  But as you have started, you know, in your new chapter of life.  Maybe that relationship isn't what you need anymore. 

Have they been enabling you? Have they been holding you back? I don't know. This is, like, information that you need to evaluate and sometimes it's really hard to go through that alone. And if you're already feeling a certain kind of way about,  you know, that family member or that friend and them not necessarily  helping you become who you want to be or become  the person  that you know you deserve to be in life,  then that can feel very lonely.

Hi, my name is Gabby Romali and I'm your boundary advocate to lead you to a more peaceful life. Four years ago, I was stuck in a deep depression, a fog covered lake in the dead of night, with no idea of where to turn to get back to me or my own needs. After seeking professional guidance to lead me out of the darkness, advocating for myself, my boundaries, and my overall well being has become a daily practice of self care.

Here on the Blissfully Bold podcast, we'll chat about balancing life's chaos within ourselves and in everyday spaces, pumping the brakes on people pleasing, and understanding our personal needs to create the peace and happiness we so crave and deserve. Join me every Wednesday for a new episode and dare to be blissfully bold.

Welcome to the Blissfully Bold podcast.  Hey friend, you're back. I appreciate you coming back every week. If you are loving the show, please go and show support by rating, leaving a review, and sharing with a friend. And now there is a new way that you can support the show. You can Buy me a coffee. It's similar to Patreon in that it helps fund creator efforts to continue bringing value to you.

You know, that means releasing this show every week. So it would mean so much to me if you could go and visit my page.  And buy me a coffee visit, buy me a coffee.com/blissfully bold podcast.  Okay, so I know that I've told you about buy me a Coffee, but did you know that the Premium Podcast, bold and Unfiltered, is live So.

If you haven't already, please go check it out. Um, I'm actually doing a Freebie offer and you'll get two weeks of free access to bold and unfiltered the premium podcast If you go to my instagram profile at gavi. remaylee And you dm me at  unfiltered.  And that will get you all set up so that way you can get the 14 day free trial to the premium podcast.

I cannot wait until you hear the episodes. And when you do, I want to hear your feedback. What episode resonated with you most? And actually on buy me a coffee you are able to leave comments So let's go ahead and build a community out there on buy me a coffee All right. Hello. Hello. Hello I'm, so excited that you are here with me today as always i'm always excited, right?

That's just me. I'm like the energizer bunny of excitement when i'm talking about the stuff that I feel like is really important and that I love and that today is going to be still on the track of TV awareness and Kind of rounding out that series to the end. It's this episode and then the next episode we're still going to be covering a little bit of the domestic violence awareness and just more of like  common things that we Confront right and today it's going to be about You know domestic violence doesn't necessarily have to Cover only romantic relationships like it could also encompass this Relationships with family, or what I call forever friends, and to me forever friends that's like old family friends, or friendships that you've had since like elementary school, like did you have a friend that you knew in kindergarten?

That's crazy, right? Like, if you are in your 30s, and you've had a friend since kindergarten, like you've basically lived your entire life together, and that's like a sibling to you, right? So sometimes confronting  Relationships like that can be a little challenging because you don't want to hurt each other's feelings, right, because you have so much time invested in those relationships that  to  kind of rock the boat might be a little, a little uncomfortable, right?

So today we're going to be talking about having the courage to walk away from relationships that aren't there. serving you anymore, that are very toxic, that no matter how much work you've put into them, they just don't seem to be changing. Um, and this is after you've, of course,  gone through and told the person how you're feeling, right?

How their actions and what they're doing make you feel. And it's up to them to want to change those behaviors or alter those behaviors, or, you know, really make an effort to make you not feel like that, but at the same time, you're in charge of your feelings, right? I want, I want to make that very clear.

Like, yes, something that someone does, an action that they do can make you feel a certain way, but at the same time, you have to be able to process that emotion for yourself and not just do the blame game.  Right? So we talked about that more in episode 19 with Julie where we talk about blaming and, you know, not necessarily taking responsibility for the actions that we do in relationships.

So if you missed that, go back to episode 19 where I talk with marriage coach Julie Tran.  All right, so having the courage to walk away if, you know, that relationship is toxic. Also learning to put ourselves first.  Because that's always hard, especially when you're new to setting boundaries and you've never done them before. 

It can be daunting, it can be scary, and you just don't know what to expect from other people and that scares you and it kind of just keeps you playing it safe.  And also feeling shame in that you can't necessarily  Feel like you can confront a person. Like that, that brings a lot of shame I think. And feeling of inadequacy.

And also the feeling of being alone. Where you feel like you can't necessarily talk to people about certain things. Like maybe for fear of judgment. Or that you just don't really feel like you have a safe environment. Uh, to share your feelings. And that's not safe in a sense of like, You're gonna be berated or screamed at or even punished for having these feelings, but just more of a Dismissive tone where you don't feel like you expressing what you're feeling is going to really have any real effect And so why try?

I don't know if you've ever had that mentality I certainly have and I've been learning to grow out of it  of feeling like Well, they're not gonna listen to me. So why even bother? Alright, so I am super excited. Let's dig in.  So first up, let's talk about having the courage to walk away from relationships that, I'm gonna use the buzzword, that no longer serve you. 

I say that like in quotes and in jest, like, Trying to poke fun at it, but really it's true, right? Like why are you staying in these relationships, whether that be romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, family dynamics that are just bringing you down all the time. Like you feel like maybe you approach family events or  even visiting your parents. 

And you're really excited about something and, you know, your family, they just don't get it. They don't get you. And it's not like they make an effort to try either, right? In those relationships, it can make you start to feel like down on yourself or doubting yourself or just really  not feeling like you're enough.

Right? And so because you're so close and attached to these relationships already, because for instance, if it is your family, if it is your parents,  like those are your parents, right? Like society tells you that you're supposed to love and care for your parents in the same way that your parents are supposed to love and care for you.

And there's, y'all are supposed to support one another. Like that's what a family to me is about. Like having that unconditional love  And support for one another because you care for each other's well being Right, but not everyone is fortunate enough to have that in their relationships. And so  Because we often see in society that we should have these relationships with our families, like walking away from a family member or from someone who's really close knit and tight with you, like I mentioned earlier about like having forever friends or family friends, people who have been in your life for decades, it can be really hard and scary to think about what would my life be like without that relationship.

And  Yeah, I agree. It's super scary to think like, oh my gosh, I couldn't, I could possibly no longer have a relationship with them because I just feel like complete shit  every time I'm around them. And having that courage to walk away,  like it does, it does take a lot of courage to go there. And I think in the back of our minds we have that saying of blood is thicker than water, where it's like you don't leave family.

I agree. Right? You don't leave them behind. But what about whenever they're not good for you, right? Not good for the person that you're becoming?  Not good for the person that you currently are? Like, say that you are from a family of poverty, right? And It's like yeah, I am making the effort to go to college or to learn a trade And to have a profession in my life and actually have a stable income have a stable home environment and You know, maybe they just think that  You know You're trying to be better than them.

It's like well, I don't necessarily want to have the same quality of life That I have had growing up and that doesn't make me a bad person  And, you know, if you, whenever you visit family, if they're constantly trying to bring you down  and make you feel bad for wanting more, like that's not necessarily a good environment to be in, especially when you are actively trying to improve yourself and have a growth mindset.

Right? So then when you get into  You know feeling scared to leave you start to fall into these like people pleasing Tendencies because fear is having you hold on to those relationships like super tight grip Of holding on to those relationships, right? And you start to prioritize other people's feelings because again, we have that mindset in the background of blood is thicker than water and You have to prioritize the feelings of your family and not feeling like you're rude or you're being the asshole And trying to leave the family Right?

So we do have that kind of scared mentality when we're leaving and so it is important to try to build up that courage to walk away.  Right? And then in feeling all of these things, like where you're already thinking, like, Oh my gosh, I'm kind of in this toxic environment and I don't know what my family is going to say about this.

They're going to think I'm better than them and that's not true. And then you start to feel shame.  and feeling like you're  that weak person or that girl or you know whatever it is that comes up for you like you feel shame in identifying yourself as the weakling or whatever it may be  right and you don't want to start thinking about like oh like I actually do want more out of my life than what is currently  in my circle. 

Whether that be friendships, relationships, like romantic relationships,  or your family.  And then you start to feel a little resentment, right? Because at the same time like you don't want to offend people,  but you don't want to also go for what it is that you truly want. So then you start to feel resentment in  that you can't be your full self. 

Right? And that goes right hand in hand with that shame that you may be feeling about not wanting to be in relationships with who were formerly your close loved ones. And it's really hard to think about leaving or like cutting off relationships or even  not even fully cutting them off, but like downsizing the time that they have with you.

Like, like basically decreasing the access that someone has to you and your daily life. Right? So that's not to say that you have to cut someone out completely  because, you know, that might bring more shame, but  like having less and less time around you, if that makes sense.  Which,  that brings me to my next thing of feeling like you're alone,  right?

When you start to  put up boundaries around your old life and what you used to accept and what you won't accept anymore, you start to feel like you're alone  and you don't have anyone to talk to. Like maybe you used to be really close with a sister. or a cousin or like that kindergarten friend, right? And they used to be the person that you told everything to. 

Everything. Like you could just like let your soul spill out  into, into them. And they understood you or they got you and that was, you know, great. 5, 10, 15 years ago.  But as you have started, you know, in your new chapter of life,  Maybe that relationship isn't what you need anymore.  Have they been enabling you?

Have they been holding you back? I don't know. This is like, information that you need to evaluate. And sometimes it's really hard to go through that alone. And if you're already feeling a certain kind of way about,  you know, that family member or that friend, and them not necessarily  Helping you become who you want to be or become  the person  That you know, you deserve to be in life  Then That can feel very lonely  and so as I mentioned you don't know who to talk to Because you don't have your friend or your bestie or your family member who used to be super close to you And you don't necessarily know who you can trust You with your vulnerable emotions.

I think that's a lot of why we hide the way that we feel and why we tend to suffer in silence and be alone is because it's like, who can I tell these things to without feeling like I'm being judged or feeling like I'm saying something wrong or Just anything like that where you might be attacked where you feel like you might have to be on the defense all the time and for me like I I have been told i'm a really good listener and I do I believe that I believe that i'm a good listener I've just recently received feedback from listeners of the podcast and I am fucking blown away at how courageous You are I I can't even Express into words how thankful I am that I have this platform to give back to you and give you the courage to Leave relationships or to give you the courage to do the hard things in life And that is what I want to do one on one in crossroads conversations If you've received value from this podcast  And you think that you would love a one on one conversation with me, I actually am offering a free consultation, a free one hour consultation, to see if you think we'd even vibe in talking one on one.

Um, in Crossroads Conversations. And Crossroads Conversations is a four week program where we'll talk each week about what it is that you're feeling stuck in specifically, and start to learn how to identify boundaries, and to build them up, and to go through ways that you can have more courage. And if you want more information about that, just DM me convos on Instagram and we can chat more about it and setting up a free one hour consultation.

So anyway, feeling alone, you don't have to feel alone because I want to be there for you. But in those moments of you don't know who to talk to, I find journaling to be very, very helpful. And I actually created a, um,  a worksheet for you. It's called the Daily Planner Worksheet, um, for the overthinking high achiever and on an entire  side of the sheet is basically like journal dot grid space for you to write whatever it is that comes up for you throughout the day.

It could be like a one liner, it can be a paragraph, whatever it is that you are feeling that you think is like contributing to your resentment, write it down. And then of course on the other side is like a whole planner section of like what need, what two things you need to do today, what do you have on the back burner, what things not to forget, and then also an area for self compassion.

So I have these resources for you so that you can begin to process like how it is that you can have better boundaries.  And so  learning to set up boundaries, it's learning to put ourselves first. And for a lot of people that feels very selfish, very, very selfish. Like they, especially, especially for the people who are givers.

Who want to just give and give and give and  who maybe see  their giving as  ways to kind of fill a void  of like, or, or giving out of guilt. Like if I don't give, what will people think?  Or even if they just have a really giving heart. Right? Like some people it brings them guilt. immense joy to give. But my, my like, message to you, for you the caregiver, if you are a giving heart, if you are an empath, I need you to listen, put down your pen, stop scrolling on Instagram, stop looking at your emails, just pay attention.

Do I have your attention? Empaths, caregivers, people with big hearts,  I need you to hear this.  You cannot give from a place of feeling  depleted.  If you are so concerned, like it brings you so much joy, to give to other people and fill up their cups,  that's great. I love that. I love that you love to give.

That's wonderful, and I don't ever want you to lose that gift.  But  you need to have discernment and boundaries  as to when  you will give.  Because if you continue to give and give and give, you won't have  any other, like you won't have any energy  or anything else to give if you just keep pouring,  right?

Because eventually your tank's gonna empty.  And then what? And then you're gonna feel burnt out, you're gonna feel resentment,  you're gonna feel maybe some shame around not having boundaries up or people pleasing.  And so, I don't want you to feel that way.  So it's important, but difficult, to set boundaries when you've never done it before.

Right? Like, and you can't expect to be good at setting boundaries if you've never actually tried to set the boundary. Like, if your, like, go to is just like, oh yeah, whatever it is that you want. Okay, let me tell you a story.  Let me tell you a story about when I was first learning to set boundaries. And this is going to go back to 2020, when I had started working with my happiness coach. 

And it was  It was the first meeting after The consultation after the free consultation we and I had already signed up for her program It was our first meeting and I went to this place in Corpus Shout out to my Corpus peeps  Called the coffee mug and if you haven't Gone to the coffee mug check them out.

Please. They they are not a sponsor if they coffee mug If you are listening to this podcast, I would love to be a sponsor for you because I love you I love the coffee mug. I don't get to go there very often because now I live in the Houston area But if you haven't checked out coffee mug go do it. So anyway My first meeting with my like my first official paid meeting with my happiness coach was at the coffee mug And I sat near the big window at the front  Because I wanted to people people watch right? 

and I liked feeling the the sun On me through the window  and My coach got there and she's like, oh, yeah, she's like do you want to like stay here? Do you want to move like, you know, what do you think and I was like, well You know, whatever you want like it's fine with me I don't mind like if you want to move I said I know that this is kind of sunny right here She's like no like what do you what do you want to do?

Like do you want to stay here or do you want to move or like do you want to go somewhere more private? Towards the back or I was like  Hmm,  it felt a little uncomfortable because like my tendency was to be like whatever you want. I'm cool with I'm cool. Like, I'm the cool girl. I, I can, I can be flexible.

I'm like the little Gumby, right? Like, where are my millennial, my millennial Nickelodeon kids at? Gumby. You know Gumby? The, like, Elastigirl,  I guess, for other later generations.  Um, I just, I, I liked to be the flexible cool girl.  Right? But she was, like, actively teaching me in that moment to, like, hey, you know, Like, what do you want?

What is your need? Like, I'm here for you. Like, let's, you know, let's practice this a little bit. And, that was kind of my first, like,  like, kind of venture  into, like, learning to put ourselves first. Like, instead of, like,  focusing on what would bring her comfort, I should bring myself comfort. So yeah, I get it.

It's important but difficult to set boundaries when you've never done it. And in terms of identifying the boundary, we're so far into our discomfort  of where we're at in our life,  you know, we feel, we can feel the next chapter coming,  right? Like we're, we're getting real fed up with our situation, but we don't know how to change it yet.

And we know that we want something else, but we don't necessarily know what that something else is.  So that's when  we start to evaluate, what are our needs?  That's going to be the first indicator of what your boundary should be. And maybe, you know, what, what you need doesn't resonate with you. Like, what's your value in life?

Like, what do you value in your life? Take an assessment of that.  And then think about like, okay, what kind of boundaries can I put in place to honor  that value or that need in my life?  Can you hear my cat? It's meowing.  I had to put him in the room so that way he wouldn't knock over the mic and he's still making his presence known.

So shout out to Haunter. Thank you for joining us today. Um, anyway, going back.  So, looking at your needs, right? And again, I'm going to talk about journaling. If, if journaling's not your jam, I'm very sorry. I talk about it a lot on this podcast. There are other methods, but that's my chosen method, and I love it.

So, again, if you are not a journal person, but maybe you want to be, I highly encourage you to check out www. journaling. com. the daily planner sheet for the overthinking high achiever. I'll link it in the show notes and it'll help you to kind of start a journaling practice and because it's a daily planner sheet you're gonna look at it daily, right?

So just write down whatever it is that comes to your mind. You think Becky's an asshole? Write down Becky's an asshole. Go even deeper and say why you think that. Like what is she doing? What's the behavior behind her being an asshole? Like what is the behavior that makes you uncomfortable?  Right? Or what is the behavior that gives you resentment? 

Really look at that. Don't look at the person. Look at what the behavior is and then think about like, well Why is that behavior so upsetting to me?  Like journal about that. Like if you want to really have like a deep journaling practice, like aside from like, I'm feeling resentment Because I don't like that Becky did XYZ. 

Okay. Now, why do you feel that way? You  Like what about it that she's doing is actually making you angry? Like why are you mad that she's doing it? Is it because you want to be more like Becky? Or is it because she like hurt your feelings? What's the reason behind it? Or is it because she's not doing something the way that you would do it?

And so that makes you uncomfortable because you want to control what she does or how she does it.  Right? So I think that there's a lot of different layers to evaluating what the boundary is and what it should be.  And it's important to understand like what your needs are but also like understand if it's from a place or if is your need coming from a place of needing to control or is it coming from a place of feeling hurt? 

Right? Because that's a big difference.  All right and then  What I was just talking about, you know,  Evaluating if it's a need from control or if it's a need from feeling hurt like that's another thing you have to prioritize your own feelings first Like if you ask becky to stop doing xyz because You know, it's pissing you off  Like  Okay I acknowledge you're angry you put your you put your your feeling first here in this moment You So, let's say, for instance, like at work,  I get this, I feel like I get this a lot from people where they're a high achiever and they feel like maybe they're picking up the slack from a co worker. 

They're not doing the expectation. In an old job I had, like, we had a guy who just, like, would release documents that were shitty  just to get a higher, like,  count, basically, of the work that he did.  And,  you know, that's great, having a high number of things that you did, but if they're wrong, like, the good employee, you know, you, the high achiever employee, feel resentment because this person is not doing the work that they should be doing. 

And it, that instance, it could come from a need to control the situation because you want all the work to be perfect,  right? Because you're a high achiever, you have high expectations.  But at the same time, it could be coming from a place of you feeling hurt because you are giving your all.  You're fucking burning out because you're picking up the slack because this work needs to be corrected,  right?

So like, in that instance, you have to think like, what kind of boundaries could I put up in place for myself?  You could put up a boundary to request to management that you don't work with that person anymore.  Your boundary is that you won't correct  any more work that they give you.  Like you bring the, the, the issue to them so that they can understand what the issue is.

Now if they don't change what they're doing,  then go to management and ask them to not work with that person anymore. Okay. Of course, you have to be able to  assess your relationships, your working relationships with people, and that's why boundary work is never black and white.  Never.  I know that it's very common for people to say like, oh, no is a one word sentence.

No is a complete sentence. I mean, yeah, no is a complete sentence, but that's also very black and white to do something like sometimes you have to evaluate the situation and you have to think deeper and think more critically about like what, like why is the behavior of what this person is doing impacting me so much? 

Why?  That's important. It's a, it's, it's very deep work, guys.  And I know that it's like, oh, fuck, I'm asking so many questions. I'm so tired of asking myself questions. It's just exhausting. I get it. Boundary work is a lot of work and it's everyday work and you know, it can be mentally taxing.  But you don't have to do it alone.

Again, I want to be here for you, so please DM me convos so we can talk more about crossroads conversations and how I can help you identify these boundaries and be able to identify what your needs are and be able to set boundaries in place and have a maintenance of those boundaries set up. Okay, so DM me convos and let's talk about it.

All right. Well, that is everything for today. We talked about  domestic violence awareness not necessarily just in romantic relationships, but also in your family and your friend dynamics and You know sometimes feeling shame around  You know not not wanting to necessarily be in those relationships all the time anymore.

Like they're just so It's like you've grown out of them a little bit and that's not to say that you think you're better than anybody, it's just you've grown out of the relationship, right? And how sometimes that can make you feel alone, which in this case, you would DM me convos for crossroads conversations.

You don't have to be alone.  And most importantly, this is not selfish. Learning to put yourself first.  Okay.  All right, guys. Well, I will talk to you next week on the Blissfully Bold podcast. Toodles! This episode was brought to you by The Daily Planner Sheet for the Overthinking High Achiever. The perfect balance to productivity and self reflection.

With sections for keeping you accountable of your backburner to dos and your random thoughts of inspiration or worst case scenario, The Daily Planner Sheet for the Overthinking High Achiever has you covered. It'd even be great for brainstorming your next juicy piece of content. Please see the link in the show notes for your free copy. 

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