The Blissfully Bold Podcast

Ep. 19 - Balancing Personal Growth and Empowering Your Marriage: Marriage Advice for Women Entrepreneurs with Julie Tran

• Gavie Remaly • Episode 19

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In this episode, we chat with Julie Tran, a seasoned marriage coach helping heart-led women entrepreneurs empower their marriages. Explore Julie's transformative journey of saving her own marriage and gather practical advice on healing triggers, setting healthy boundaries, and fostering effective communication. Learn about balancing personal growth with relationship nurturing, overcoming emotional disconnect, and handling control issues without resentment. Tune in for compelling tips, real-life examples, and the 'Inspire Him Method' that can turn conflicts into deeper connections, and take actionable steps towards a compassionate and loving marriage. 
Discover tools to bring more empowerment, love, and mutual respect into your relationship through self-improvement and targeted individual coaching. Don't miss out on Julie's insights and empowering programs to transform your marriage while maintaining stability in both your personal and professional life. 

00:00 Introduction
02:07 Support the Show and Get a Free Trial of the Premium Subscription
03:42 Introducing Julie Tran: Marriage Coach
05:20 Understanding Marriage Dynamics and Communication
08:31 Identifying and Addressing Relationship Stagnation
13:25 Inspiring Growth
21:16 Creating Emotional Safety and Effective Communication
25:42 Apology and Communication
26:19 Setting Boundaries in Relationships
27:03 Therapy vs. Coaching
29:47 The Power of Compassionate Leadership
31:29 Parenting and Marriage Parallels
33:59 Letting Go of Control
38:58 Embracing Anger and Healing
46:09 Working with Julie Tran
48:19 Final Thoughts and Takeaways

Connect with Julie:

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 I celebrate all the women who have the courage to do this work because it does require so much humility and courage to be honest with yourself 

for 

the sake of your life and for marriage and for love. So, yeah, it's both. It's like, and I don't want to say that having control is bad because it, you know, we can get into a conversation about the feminine and masculine and those different types of energies and how they, you know, They work in harmony together.

So I'm not saying like, Oh, just let go and just let whatever happens happens. No, I'm not saying that I'm saying that there's a difference between having an intention and a vision for your life and taking the actions needed to pursue it and being totally attached to that. Like you're in tunnel vision.

There's a one way track and anything that is, um, that jeopardizes that.  You write off. And a lot of times in our marriage. Our husband is the thing that jeopardizes, that we feel is jeopardizing our vision for our life. 

Hi, my name is Gabby Ramelli and I'm your boundary advocate to lead you to a more peaceful life.

Four years ago, I was stuck in a deep depression, a fog covered lake in the dead of night with no idea of where to turn to get back to me or my own needs. After seeking professional guidance to lead me out of the darkness, Advocating for myself, my boundaries, and my overall well being has become a daily practice of self care.

Here on the Blissfully Bold podcast, we'll chat about balancing life's chaos within ourselves and in everyday spaces. Pumping the brakes on people pleasing and understanding our personal needs to create the peace and happiness we so crave and deserve. Join me every Wednesday for a new episode and dare to be Blissfully Bold.

Welcome to the Blissfully Bold Podcast.  Hey friend, you're back. I appreciate you coming back every week. If you are loving the show, please go and show support by rating, leaving a review, and sharing with a friend. And now there is a new way that you can support the show. You can bookmark it. Buy me a coffee.

It's similar to Patreon in that it helps fund creator efforts to continue bringing value to you. You know that means releasing this show every week. So it would mean so much to me if you could go and visit my page  and buy me a coffee. Visit buymeacoffee.  com forward slash blissfullyboldpodcast.  Okay, so I know that I've told you about buying me a coffee, but did you know that the premium podcast Bold and unfiltered is live So if you haven't already, please go check it out.

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I will see you at buy me a coffee  Well, hello. Hello. Welcome back to the blissfully bold podcast today on the show We have julie tran and julie is a marriage coach who helps heart led women entrepreneurs inspire their husbands To lead so they can build a legacy of impact and income on a strong foundation of support and love at home You After saving her own marriage from the brink of divorce, she realized her soul's purpose was to be a woman centered marriage coach.

And so today we are going to look at the various ways that we can communicate with our husband and actually really consider how They can help support us even when the marriage may be rocky  um The more that we talked  the more I understood That it really is kind of getting back into the root of like inner child work and being able to talk to people and this includes children in ways that make them want to be on your team and to You know work towards the same goal and the communication process isn't always easy and so julie and I get real deep into  Like how we can inspire one another uh to  Have a marriage that is more full of love and compassion And really wanting to be that team player So without further ado Here's julie Welcome, Julie.

I'm so excited for our conversation today  because you are a marriage coach and this month is all about domestic violence awareness. And I think that part of that is having a healthy marriage. So I just wanted to say thank you so much for joining me today. Um, and I like to kick off the episode. with learning more about your superpower.

What makes you kick ass at helping women reconnect with their husbands and get to a state of like peace and paradise in their marriage?  

Ooh.  Um, well, thank you. First of all, thank you for having me. It's a joy to be here with you. Yeah. So what makes me kick ass?  I would say number one is belief in you.  I can only believe in you because I've done it myself.

And I think that that's the challenge. A lot of times people run into when they have marriage struggles. There's not a lot of models out there who have gone through the depths of, you know, they, the, the pain and be able to lift themselves out of it. And like a, like a Phoenix, literally like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes.

And so when you, when you ask for marriage advice or you seek counseling from people who haven't done it themselves, they don't have the belief that you can do it too. So then they're not necessarily going to continue to root for you. So I would say like, that's the most important thing. And then the other thing is that I have a very unique way of, of coaching women in their marriage.

First of all, you don't need your husband to work with you. He doesn't mean need to be doing the work with you at all. He doesn't even have to be, um, he could even be resistant. To this type of work, because a lot of frankly, and that's what happened with my husband. He was anti therapy. He was anti personal development.

And I was still able to inspire him to step into his best self, even though he wasn't doing the work. So, um, that's one thing. And another thing is how where I coach from is very from a, I call it practical, um, Spirituality and practical communication. So if I could break it down into two phases or two core pillars, number one, it's healing our triggers because ultimately anytime there, anytime we feel triggered in our relationship, anytime our husband or partner makes a comment that sounds blamey and we feel attacked, our trigger is going to have us want to fight back, get defensive, and then that doesn't go anywhere.

So I work with you on healing your nervous system. So if you don't get that flood of emotion so that you can actually respond instead of react. And then I teach you  ninja goddess communication skills, like literally frameworks on how to, uh, how to, uh, express your desires, how to share your heart authentically, and also how to hold space.

For your partner in a way that's safe so that he can hear you. And again, like help him rise to be like the best person that he can be. So, 

yeah, that sounds amazing. Like it sounds really transformative, but before people get there, like. We want to kind of set the scene of like, what could it be like right now?

Because I think that so many people kind of get into this groove of being comfortable in marriage and just kind of end up coexisting, basically becoming roommates, like, right. Because you have, you know, your jobs, you're both really busy and you have kids and like, by the end of the day, you're just super tired or you're just wanting to be in your own world.

Like basically like. Be a little a little bear and hibernate or be in a cocoon right and just have time for yourself so When  when couples get like that  like how can they get around just staying kind of in that funk and Thinking like this is as good as it gets when it comes to their marriage and even like walking on eggshells and avoiding arguments and just And when that tension rises, you just don't know what to do.

So how can like, I guess people kind of begin to identify those things and start to work on them?  

So I would say that the first part is awareness. Like if you like, if you  take a pause and ask yourself, where are you in your relationship right now? Are you in roommate season? Are you guys thriving or are you contemplating divorce?

You know, 

the way I think about it is like on a scale of one to 10, you could ask yourself this question right now for everyone listening. Ask yourself this question right now on a scale of one to 10, how loved and connected do you feel with your spouse right now? Emotionally.  Okay. If the answer is between eight, nine, and 10, you rock, like your marriage is going great, right?

Like you're doing something right. Yeah, you're doing, you're doing something right. You're intentional about your marriage and that's beautiful. If your marriage is between one, if you're feeling between one and three,  you're on the brink of divorce, right? So, so it's time to reevaluate, like you, you gotta actually, you gotta actually prioritize your marriage because it's whatever you're doing is.

And I think that's important to remember. Is causing this dynamic. Contributing to this dynamic happening. And if you want to stay married. Right. Then it's a, it's a wake up call. And I hope that you do.  You do listen to the wake up call because the consequences of not doing that is, um,  you know, it's very detrimental to your life.

Let's just put it that way. And then when, So I would say roommate season is between like four and seven, where things and maybe that's kind of the range that you're more so referring to where it's like,  Where it's all going okay, you know, you're not really emotionally connected, but you're functional  Right, and you know that you're in roommate season when you don't want to be touched  because your body Doesn't lie your body  When you don't feel safe when you don't feel emotionally safe around your partner When you share something and your partner, you know, shuts you down, makes you feel dismissed and vice versa.

You both don't feel safe around each other. And then your bodies don't want to cuddle. You kind of just want to go to sleep, cocoon in your own space because it's safer in your own space. And so the first, the first step is to understanding where you are. And then the second step is to ask yourself, like ask yourself, what would happen if you don't prioritize your marriage?

So for a lot of women, especially, you know, especially heart led women entrepreneurs, um,  We, we have, we're so invested and so passionate about our mission. And we're, we're doing so much in our work. We're investing within we're investing to heal ourselves and we're investing on strategies for our business, which is really, really powerful and amazing. 

But if we don't start investing in our marriage, you literally have a foundation in your life that's fragile. And it could crumble like the house that you're building. Let's say the house is your business, right?  If you don't start investing in the foundation of your life, the foundation of your marriage,  when stormy seasons hit,  like, um, job loss, financial challenges, health challenges, having kids, or even just like day to day disconnection, your business could collapse,  right?

And so, so it's just, so it's a matter of just being aware, aware of it. And, and then. Choosing to prioritize it and then choosing to do the work,  

right? So one of the things that you said is that for women who you know are building businesses in this case like they're  High achieving and you know, they do focus on self growth.

You did mention that and You also mentioned that your husband was not about self growth like he was just like nope don't want to have anything to do with it So how do you get like your husband to be on board and grow with you because I feel like often You know people do get resistant to wanting to grow out of Their comfort zone because it's a comfort zone and it's uncomfortable To you know move out of it.

So  you don't want to like you always hear people saying Not to change like who your husband is, but something has to change in the marriage So how do you get your husband on board? Like what kind of boundaries do you have to set in place and you actually just recently had A boundaries workshop, right?

Can you tell us about it? Like tell us about all the boundaries in the marriage and growing  

Yeah, yeah, so um so for the first part Um how you can get your husband like what happens when you're growing and your husband's not growing and this is so prevalent for um For our women entrepreneurs, because we got to do the inner work.

Like our business is a spiritual journey. Right. And when our husbands are not growing, we can feel very resentful. It could breed a lot of resentment in your marriage. Cause we're like, well, I'm doing the work and you're not stepping up to the plate. And now you're dragging me down. Right. And it's painful because you want the best for your husband.

And it's 

hard when you see your husband or your partner in a, an unconscious pattern. Okay. And it actually impacts you directly. So we, what we often do as, as women is we try to change our partners  because we've done the work, we have this mentality that we've done the work and we've gotten so much results in our life.

And so,  you know, you got to do the work too. We know, we know better. Right. And to an extent we do, we can, we know, we see differently. The paradigm of our reality  is. Is, uh, more clear and more in possibility. And maybe your husband's paradigm of reality is still like in survival.  Right. More, more like, Oh, you know, I can't accomplish this because. 

And it's hard for us to witness that. And so what we try to do is we try to change him. We try to coach him. We try to give him advice, but usually it's coming from a place and I'll speak for, I'm going to raise two hands here because that was, that's the only way I knew how to help him was to try to change him.

And then when he wouldn't change, I felt more and more resentful. And so I actually had to learn how to inspire my husband,  which is different because inspiring your husband  when you're not attached to him, changing.  You know, you are, you are actually going through your own transformational journey of becoming a woman who leads with an open heart, 

not from 

a closed heart, even when your husband is in his paradigm, even when he's being unconscious and, you know, in his trigger.

Right. Learning how to do the inner work to heal your triggers  when you want to change, when you want to fix and actually accept him for exactly who he is in this moment and allow him to just be right. And by you doing that,  you are being, you're not even trying to be inspiring. You are the proof of concept that you are.

what the work you've been doing works.  

So it sounds like it's coming from a place of unconditional love and compassion. And we did mention, you know, that there is resentment here already kind of brewing under the surface. So how can people stay compassionate or like wanting to be emotionally connected in that way and inspiring when they may be thinking like, F you.

Like you're not like even being the person that I want you to be. And again, it goes back to like wanting to change your partner. It just feels like kind of a cycle, right? Of like, well, how can I be this way if you're not doing this? So how can women get out of the mindset of, well, I don't even want to inspire you because I resent you.

How do people get out of that cycle? 

Yeah. So it's first, like, first I want to shift the mindset because the  from that place, which I've been in is. is blame, right? It's like you're the problem, right? And so I'm going to invite, I'm going to invite, uh, everyone listening to turn it back onto us, right? Uh, what,  how can I empower myself  to create change in my marriage?

What is, what skills, what do I need to heal? What can I heal and what skills am I? What are opportunities for me to learn new skills and what new skills can I learn?  Because we only have where our dynamic is happening right now with the consciousness that we both are currently bringing into this So we actually have to shift our consciousness around it and try to quote unquote solve this another way And so once we orient, and the first part is Ori orienting this differently instead of blaming and that, that he's the problem, even though it's painful, because, you know, we, we say that from a place of pain, we're not trying to actually blame our partner, but it's all coming from a place of hurt.

And so a very simple way that I love sharing and coaching my clients on how to start, you know, Bringing compassion and healthy boundaries back into your relationships so that you can love, can flow between you again is setting beautiful boundaries.  And there are three steps.  The first step is to, to honor yourself and to honor how you truly feel.

A lot of times the resentment happens because we, we don't feel like we can share our true emotions. Our husbands shut down and then we're like, well, that's not safe. So I'm just going to go into my corner and be by myself and not want to be touched. Right. 

Mm hmm. 

And so, uh, so  step one, I feel  now it can sound simple, but it requires practice and intentionality because where most people get tripped up is they're not actually talking about how they feel  like you're judging me.

It's not a feeling  it's a blame or it's a, it's a complaint,  right. And it's an observation and you don't actually know that he's judging you. But when you start with, you're judging me.  Or I don't like that or whatever it immediately creates closure  

in 

your husband's heart and he's going to get defensive. 

And so  you start, we start with saying, I feel like, let's say he did make a comment that wasn't very nice and you have every right to feel hurt around it. So our, our power as, as women is our vulnerability and expressing, I feel hurt when you said that I feel hurt.  You see how there's a it's different than You hurt me  

right so I guess when  maybe I feel like not not everyone has a mindset of like even listening to That I feel that you like I feel hurt because you did x y z So I feel like even  saying it that way, that people, that  your partner could still be defensive and like, well, I didn't mean it that way.

Oh, 

that gets to the next part. Yeah, yeah, yeah.  

Right. And then that just opens up a whole new can of worms, which it sounds like we're about to get into. So let's, we're about to get into that. Let's get into it. 

Yeah. So what we're talking about is emotional safety. When people get defensive and even thinking about ourselves, when we get defensive, we don't feel safe.

We don't feel seen. Right. We don't feel seen for our intention and we feel judged. So it's all about creating safety when you say I feel hurt when you said when you said that  I Feel hurt.  I felt hurt  or I feel hurt when you said that right?  Again big difference between that and you made me feel angry.

You hurt me. Okay,  so step two is Continuing to create that safety  And this is the part where you say, I see, what do you see beyond the behavior that that is hurtful right now, beyond the behavior? What was, what is their highest intention?  Because I guarantee you their intention is not. The deepest, highest intention is not to hurt you.

They could be doing that  because they feel pain.  Right? So for example, um, I had a client the other day, send me a text celebrating that she went through this three step process and she was so proud of herself that it shifted within five to 10 minutes. And basically her husband, uh, her partner. She was working out.

She's a new mom. She's super proud of herself. She's been working out regularly for 30 minutes every morning. And then her partner comes out and he makes an insensitive comments. Something about like that workout that you're doing is, it's like, it's just sales and marketing. It doesn't work.  And she felt really hurt by it.

And so,  and so she expressed to him, yeah, I feel hurt right now. Now, if I were to have coached her in the moment, I would have invited her to say, to express what she actually saw was his intention, because on the face of it,  It sounds like it sounds very insensitive and it sounds like he should be in the doghouse and correct his or correct his behavior right away.

Right? So, but what I want to do is take us away from that mentality 

because 

it just perpetuates the blame game. So the practice here is to see his higher intention. What could be his highest intention for expressing that beneath  the ego, right? Right. So what I can see is that he just doesn't want her to be screwed.

Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking is like that. He has like this watchdog kind of like, you know, I feel like a lot of men. Well, I say this, my husband in particular, like he's very much the protector, right? Like he wants to make sure that everyone is safe and taken care of. And like that we're not getting the wool pulled over eyes.

Yeah. And in this case like he's mentioning marketing and it sounds like you know, he's concerned about her being tricked 

Yes I can 

understand like where it comes from this place of compassion on his side where he's wanting to protect her  But it comes across as like  you're not even seeing all of the effort that i'm putting into this workout All that you're seeing is that i'm getting  

Right, right.

Now, so the, I see, so that's going to, that leads us to part three, but in part two, so the, I see how you would say that is,  I see that you're just trying to protect me. You're just trying to look out for me.  Right. So then he doesn't, he's not going to get defensive.  He feels seen, right? And then step three is now you get to empower yourself.

This is my favorite part. You get to make a request from a place of safety. Is there a different way that you'd like for him to express that?  And you get to teach him  how you would like him to show up for you,  you know? So in the future, can you, can you celebrate me for working out? Or can you say that differently? 

You know, and you can actually, you want to get into ninja communication.  You can actually tell, you can actually like lay out,  set him up to win and say in the future, can you say it like this?  And so what ended up happening was he, he was like, babe, I'm so sorry. Like I want to do, I let me do this over.

Cause I didn't mean that. I'm so proud of you. I love you. And you know, I'm sorry for what I said before, cause I did not mean it like that.  Within five to ten minutes she was able to shift it, and it could have been, it could have created an argument that continued to stay and be sticky and heavy inside of her for the rest of the day. 

Right. No, yeah, I completely agree. And that is a really great shift. I feel that,  In this instant communication is king, right? Like it all comes down to communication and being able to express your needs, right? Because if you can't say something out loud, like you can't expect your partner or anyone not just a partner Anybody to read your mind and know exactly what you want And so in this way, you're kind of like coaching your husband on how to Treat you or interact with you, right?

And that is a really big boundary You For a lot of people because it's like You are setting up the precedence of what you will allow, how you will be allowed, or how you will allow other people to treat you. Uh, and so, yeah, it just all comes down to that. And, I'm just curious. So,  there's a lot of feeling talk here, right? 

It's a lot of I feels and communication. And, uh, You had said earlier that your husband wasn't down for going to a therapist, right? Or a coach or not coach But not not going to Maryland marriage counseling. Oh my gosh I can't even talk that your husband was not down to go to marriage counseling, right?

so how do you think that your practice is different than than counseling or going to a therapist and  like if the husband is already kind of resistant or maybe even the wife is like really wanting to Push marriage counseling on him like how could maybe she  go to her husband be like this is what I want to do And I know that you know, this is a woman who's already like in her power and building a freaking Empire, right?

So she's probably like I don't need permission But at the same time like in a marriage we were just talking about communication like a healthy marriage You are talking about those things  Right? So how do you think that  they would be more on board with working with you as opposed to going to a counselor?

That was a really long,  roundabout way to ask that question.  I 

think I'm tracking. I think I'm tracking, but yeah, uh, I, I would say, first of all, I, there's a, the difference between working with me and marriage counseling is, first of all, in marriage counseling, you are being, um, there's somebody there working with the both of you at the same time.

Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And that can be very challenging, a very challenging dynamic because when in healing a marriage, both partners have to be doing their own inner work too.  Otherwise the marriage counselor kind of just becomes a mediator  and not much. And a lot of people come to me after going to marriage counseling and couples therapy and saying that it didn't help at all.

It made things worse. Or, you know, it helped. And now they're at a plateau,  right?  Um, and also, also, if you're looking for couples therapy for marriage counselors, I, I don't have, I don't,  let me try to see, like, let me, let me just connect to how I really feel about it. Okay. Sure. Yeah. I just, I just want y'all to be careful because, just because somebody has a license, doesn't mean that they're equipped to support you. 

Okay, for example, if somebody is supporting you, but they don't actually have a healthy marriage themselves, it could be very dangerous because they don't have belief that you can work through your stuff and they could actually lead you down to a path of divorce. And especially if that's, and if you don't want to divorce, if you actually want to stay in your marriage, then you know, that could be, that will, that will really cost you.

Okay. So how I work is I work just with the woman. Again, you don't need your husband to do, to do the work with you. Now, does he need to be invested in the marriage? Does he need to, to be in the marriage with you and choose to be in the marriage with you? Yes. Yes. And when I coach women,  as they start to shift  from a, from a way of being that's like, well, it's not fair.

You're not giving me this. So I'm not going to give you that.  

Right.  

I would call that like princess consciousness. That's where a lot of most women, especially in our culture, because that's kind of what we're being fed, like fairness and you need to do and demands  I've done so much work that a dad, you need to, you know, do your part.

Right.  And so this, this energy,  this energy of demands and entitlement. Okay. That does not inspire your husband.  That doesn't inspire anyone. Right.  But the energy of somebody who can, who can be compassionate, who can set healthy boundaries and speak up for herself. Okay. 

Who can 

lead with an open heart. 

That's inspiring. And so, and so I would say when I shifted, that's when my husband became on board with doing the work. Because he felt, he just, like if I choose to simplify it, he felt more safe and loved around me.  Instead of judged by me. 

Right. And  more like a team player. So what's coming to my mind is I know that  quite a few of my followers or, you know, my listeners here are parents  and there is this movement in parenting.

Of being a gentle parent  and You know showing that compassion showing love and making your child feel Like they are a team member like a team player like they're on your team And y'all are both working towards the same goal and it almost feels like that here like within a marriage like the communication aspect of Like, you're not wanting to tell your spouse what to do, like, you need to do this, you need to do that, I need more help from you in doing this, and you're doing it wrong.

Because when you feed people these,  like,  these ideas of how they're not good enough  to be in this marriage, or not good enough to be your husband, or not good enough in general for you, like, it makes them want to shut down. 

Right? Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Yeah. And it was actually a parenting course that I did that, that illuminated how, you know, just because we're adults, it's the same, the same principles apply.

Everybody wants to, everybody wants to feel like they have control over, over their lives. Everybody wants to feel important. 

Right.  

And if you can just keep these two things in mind, does your husband feel like he has agency over his life? Does he feel important?  Right. And if you just bring awareness and like, think of your husband and your, your marriage as a garden, you keep on nurturing that garden.

It's not like a one time thing, right? You keep nurturing his self esteem, his sense of self worth, his sense of being able to have agency over his life versus, versus pleasing you all the time. Right. Like he's going to blossom and he's going to blossom into somebody that is beyond what you could even imagine. 

Right. Oh, I love that like image of nurturing like a like a garden like you're tending your garden. You're growing all your little flowers  Like I love that image. Um, but also you just you said something that Kind of like made a light bulb kind of go off in my head because you talked about control in so many times  Like women who are high achievers and building like people who are who are your clients, right?

This is like your typical client of like this is  what they do They're building a business and I feel like to be an entrepreneur You have to have that go getter in you, right? And you have to have that control like you have to have that grip on it So how do you let go of the control? How, how do, how can women begin to like, okay, like I'm going to take a step back cause I need to pour more love rather than micromanaging into this relationship. 

Ooh, now we're going to get, get deep.  I love it. I love it. I love it. Um, that is our spiritual journey. It's letting go of control because we think we have this one way of doing things. And there's one way of thinking about things and perceiving and being that's the right way.  And our journey is to actually let go, let go a part of that, to be open, to open yourselves up to miracles. 

And that takes work because if I was coaching a client, I would peel back the onion to understand where does this control come from?  And most of the time it comes from our childhood of needing to be the good girl, needing to be perfect, needing to do the right thing for fear of being ostracized for being kicked out of the group, unloved  by not loved by and accepted by your parents. 

So 

when we When we go that deep and get to heal that initial, that core wound.  Then you don't have such a, an attachment to, to life needing to go your way and that you need to have a grip on the driver's seat at all times, even though you're pretending like you're not, but you kind of are, I'm going with the flow, what do you mean?

You're like, ah,  right. So it takes a tremendous, and I just want to, I celebrate all the women who have the courage to do this work because it does require so much humility and courage to be honest with yourself  or. The sake of your life and for marriage and for love. So yeah, it's both it's like, and I don't want to say that having control is bad because it, you know, we can get into a conversation about the feminine and masculine and those different types of energies and how they, They work in harmony together.

So I'm not saying like, Oh, just let go. And just let whatever happens, happens. No, I'm not saying that I'm saying that there's a difference between having an intention and a vision for your life and taking the actions needed to pursue it and being totally attached to that. Like you're in tunnel vision.

There's a one way track and anything that is, um, that jeopardizes that.  You write off. And a lot of times in our marriage, our husband is the thing that jeopardizes that we feel is jeopardizing our vision for our life  because we can't see another alternative.  And yet, yet it's always an invitation for us to release more control and have more compassion to be able to see things from a different perspective and to be able to allow love to work its intelligence through us. 

So, if that wasn't deep enough, I want to get just  a smidge deeper.  

Let's 

go! I'm a Scorpio moon, so I can go as deep as you want. Guys, get your mind out of the 

gutter. Or is that just me? I don't know.  

I think that was just you, 

girl! Well, 

that definitely wasn't me. There couldn't be other people with their minds in the gutter.

But just to clarify, in case I put anything out there when I say Scorpio moon, I just mean, I don't know what you know what that means. But, um, that means emotionally for maybe, maybe some of your audience might not know, but that's emotionally, we have our sun, moon and our rising. That's the three, the big three in astrology, a Scorpio has a very deep energy, like we go into the darkness. 

And so my moon, is a Scorpio, and I'm down to go deep. Let's get on with it. 

Awesome. So, I want to comment on that Scorpio moon, too. Like, part of being a Scorpio, yes, you feel very deeply. And you are, like, down to, like, get into the darkness and, like, deal with it. But also, when they feel hurt, they fucking sting back. 

Like, so, in that way, like, we were talking about control earlier, and, like, it's stemming from maybe this childhood fear of not being accepted. Or again, not being good enough. And so do you think that part of the control in the marriage is not addressing the fear that you have? That if I become someone bigger, if I become someone greater, who has very high ambitions,  that my husband can't keep up with me and I'm really scared.

So I'm sabotaging, sabotaging the marriage.  Let me sit with that for a moment.  

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I think, I think anytime that we're attached.  To how things should be.  We are sabotaging ourselves  because we are not seeing the opportunity for greater depth for greater growth and compassion.  And also you're, you're  dismissing. 

You're dismissing. So, so for example, um,  back then I had a vision on how my life should look,  how much money I should make, where I should live, uh, kind of clothes I wear, my flu batons, my Chanel's, how my husband should treat me. Right.  And,  and in many times, and my husband is a beautiful man at the same time back then I didn't feel like I was treated the way that I deserve to be treated. 

You know, my boundaries weren't being honored and he, uh, he hadn't done the work. So, so he would be, when he gets triggered, he could, he might fly off the handle over something small and then launch a comment at me. That felt really, that feels really judgmental. Right. And it's not like a one off thing. It was like a, like a constant thing in our marriage.

So we were in like the one to three range in the scale that it gave you earlier. Right.  And, um,  so  if I just stayed, if I just stayed  stuck on how things should be, that means I'm right. And he's wrong.  I would miss out on the opportunity of actually looking within myself.  What is this showing me?  And so one of the thing that comes top to top of mind right now is that it was show he was showing me a mirror of how I, I was a perfectionist. 

I was a perfectionist, I was people pleasing life needed to look a certain way. And I never allowed myself to get angry.  Okay, so his anger,  his anger would scare me and make me feel unsafe and make me Would make me feel may make me judge him because I'm like, because  I thought that anger was, was bad. 

It's bad. It's wrong. It's violent. Right now. Is that true? Maybe like there are definitely people who are violent because of anger. Right.  And we don't like that. We don't want to have anything to, we want to create a better world. So of course we were going to reject that, but this is what I learned.  That, that I,  I did not allow myself to get angry  because I had to stay proper and I had to be a good girl and I had to be happy. 

But  the shadow side of that is I was a people pleaser.  So I was constantly looking for approval from other people.  Okay. 

And 

so,  and so, uh, and then when my husband, so when my husband would get angry and then I would judge him and then I would tell him to stop and then it would just escalate. Okay.  The moment that I accepted and embraced the part of me that got, that got angry, that can get angry, that does feel frustrated about, you know, feeling, being wronged or frustrated about, you know, being tired and stuff, or that my watch didn't charge, and just like allowing for yourself to be like, you know what, screw you! 

Right? But in a conscious  way, the more I was able to love all parts of myself, and the more I was able to meet my husband with love. Even when he's getting angry and even when he's attacking me. You know, verbally or emotionally or whatever. And I know this is going to sound kind of extreme, but this is what I teach.

And this, you know, I help you expand your capacity so you can be with anything. When somebody is judging you, when somebody is raising their voice at you, you can shift the energy. Okay. That's how much magic and power you have. Right. And so when I started accepting that part of myself, I no longer resisted my husband when he, when he spirals, I no longer said, you need to stop. 

I actually would just be like, Oh, I understand why you're frustrated. 

Yeah, 

I would be frustrated too  and I frustrated you. I'm sorry. Tell me more, right?  That de escalates everything. So going back, by the way, so that you did he feel seen he feel safe And then you take the energy from going up here you bring it down.

Okay, and then you can start working towards solutions  Now, how this relates to your original question is, if I just was on my tunnel track of how things should be, I never would have gotten this lesson. And I would continue to people please, and overwork, just to prove my worth. 

Something that I also heard in the  child development, I guess, course that I had taken, was that you don't want to join their chaos. 

You want to kind of be that safe place for them. And so it's exactly that, right? Because you were talking about, you know, your husband spiraling and feeling upset and not necessarily knowing how to, I guess, deal with his own anger. And kind of just lashing out  and like you, instead of saying, Hey, you need to stop  because you're just contributing to his chaos and not letting him feel heard, right?

That you take a step back and say like, Oh, wow. Like, I'm, I'm really sorry you're dealing with that. Or I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way or whatever it is. Right. And you get to be that safe space for him. And in return, he's going to want to be the safe space for you. Is that, is that what I'm getting from all of you here?

Yeah, like, exactly, as you, because you're teaching him, first of all, you're creating a safe space, and then you're teaching him how to love you, how to make you feel safe. Okay? You can't demand it, but demanding it, how I used to go about it, is like, you need to stop, so that I can feel safe. You need to stop.

But now, I use my three step process. I see that you're frustrated right now.  I feel, um, I feel scared.  And in the future, can we handle it this way?  

You know, would 

you like to take some space? Would you like to go for a walk? Can we say that differently? You know, but the energy is different. The energy from before was, you need to stop, there's something wrong with you. 

Out there, right? The energy now is coming from love.  And how I was able to do that is using the three step process and healing that part of me that felt, that felt like things needed to go my way.  if things don't go my way, then I'm not enough.  

Oh, okay. I got chills because all of that is so good. Like it's It feels just like an instant like shift like you it's like have you ever gone to the eye doctor and they're like Is one or two better and then they like click the thing and it just feels like a whole new lens Like that is amazing.

So for the women who do want to start working on their marriage Tell us how can we work with you and give us some more information about how to get in contact with you and all of the Offers that you have coming in 

So you can either work with me one on one or in my group program and at this point by the time this airs My program is running so you could put yourself on the waitlist to join the next cycle of my program Which is called the inspire him immersion.

It takes my framework called the inspire him method Basically going deeper into everything that we talked about here to empower you, to inspire your husband to leave.  I take all of that, break it down for you step by step so that it's not overwhelming relationships can seem so complicated. And complex, but it's not, it's very simple.

I teach you how to become her inside of this program. And so get yourself on the wait list or contact me to work one on one with me. I love one on one coaching because we get to go real, real deep and heal those wounds that has you want to react. So one on one is super powerful. And then other ways you can, you can get.

Familiar with my work is on my Instagram lead with Julie Tran. I also have so at lead with Julie Tran, and I also have a free Facebook group where I'm constantly going live and sharing ninja, ninja goddess marriage tips,  um, and it's called thriving marriages for heart led women, entrepreneurs.  

Amazing.

Thank you so much, Julie, for joining me today and talking with my audience. I know that they're going to get so many good tidbits about how to help their marriage thrive and flourish. So guys, go and put some of these tips into use and contact Julie. I know that you won't be sorry, especially if you're in that roommate phase of your marriage.

Yes. Thank you. Thank you for having me. This was so much fun.  

Okay. Thank you, . Bye.  Woo. Wasn't that a great conversation with Julie? I  really loved that we got deep into the control aspect because this month is about domestic violence awareness, and a big part of that is control, the aspect of control in it, leading.

to emotional and  physical abuse.  And I really like that we addressed that here in this episode and also like overall communication because Someone who wants to communicate with you is not necessarily trying to control you They're trying to understand you better And so I really really loved this episode with Julie and I think that it's going to help really strengthen Our marriages so definitely go check her out if you are interested in You know making your marriage stronger and  You know having more love and compassion in your life for you and your partner.

All right. Well, I will see you next week toodles